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An Exercise

 Write down every partner you've had a significant relationship with, and then, for each, answer questions such as: What attracted you to this person initially? Did the attraction last? Was your fantasy about this person, what you imagined or assumed to be true--validated in reality? How long did the relationship last? Did revelations during the coure of the relationship change your mind? What was the deal breaker? Do any patterns, similarities from relationship to other relationships, emerge? Nick- I think what initially attracted me to him was his perceived security, he seemed to know what to do, he knew how to make money, he was fun. He was older so I think I felt like he knew a lot more, he was smart. And then I think it was him going to jail, and me wanting to be there for him. The savior. I'm not sure the attraction did last, because I cheated on him. And now years later I feel like we def arent compatible now that I know myself more. I don't know really because it wa...
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The SYSTEM SUCKS

 Hey, So I just got out of court. AND i just feel like wtf do they expect from me? BRO. BRO I literally have no family here, I literally have to get my food from the food pantry. WHO is supposed to give me a ride? How am I supposed to take care of myself. I was driving illegally So I got my occupational just for them to say they are going to suspend that now and I'll have to get it again. like it just doesnt make any sense. Like what am I supposed to do. I might as well die because I cant even take care of myself in this world. All I want to do is give myself a good life and they make it almost impossible. Like im so depressed. even if i didnt haave this shit going on I would barely be making it by. in a world where no one fucking cares. But i seriously do not know how they expect me to get to work. I dont even have money to get food how will I take an uber? Take the bus? ILL STILL HAVE TO WALK 20 MINUTES JUST TO GET TO WORK.
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Hey You

 Hey girl hey, So where to start ayyy. Well yesterday I worked at Pizza Hut after my first job and it was good, I mean I made good money. BUT man, it was crazy being in that fast paced environment again. AND man did I feel it. I felt I was doing everything fast and so sloppy HAHA. BUT maybe thats ok, maybe this is just the perfectionist part of me wanting to do perfect jobs. I think I did it where it really mattered, like cleaning the bathroom. Because it looked gross. So hopefully they will put me on the schedule for Tuesdays and Thursdays, I guess we will see. But I think it will be good for me in more than one way, getting to see other people, making money, and yea.  Feelings, hmmm. This week I've started to feel better, after all that Fernando shit. And I've decided to stop talking to Timur as well. I think it's hard for me to sometimes decipher like are they ok people and its just my trauma, or are they not ok people and also my trauma? But I did write a cool list the ...
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Two Weeks of Sleep

 Hey there you,     Well weird title but good news and random chats. The good news is the letter that Lee (my therapist), wrote to the aoda assessment lady was good enough so I do not have to take any drug or alcohol classes which is great! Umm I guess thats really the only good news haha. I've decided I'll only do instacart on the weekends, $200, a weekend should be good enough. I got like 3 bills past due right now but who really cares. I just used my last few bucks to buy some junk food. Give me a break life is hard, one I'm completely sober and trying to quit smoking cigarettes again. I have no money, I wont be able to buy my own food...Back to the food pantry life. I guess I'll probably just keep at that until, IDK something gets easier. Make do with what I can and buy some little things on the side or whatever. It's all just a little sad that I cannot take care of myself to the standard I'd like. That I'm pretty much alone and generally most if any peo...
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I'm A Bitch

 I was in a mood but I finished my other post and it calmed me down a little bit but I still want to convey some of the things I was thinking. I want to be a bitch. I'm sick of being the sad, nice, caring girl. I'm sick of caring what people will think, I'm sick of caring how I will be perceived. I'm sick of caring. The caring me will only be reserved for specific times. Caring SO much is tiring. What's the POINT? Is that how I want to be remembered?  I know my opinion is not FINAL WORD, or judgement, but I'm still entitled to have my opinions on whats right for my own life. If someone wants to stand up to me and tell me something different about whatever bitch thing I say or said, I hope they do. I then will take some time to self reflect. I dont need to be the bigger or better person. Its my life and this is what I decide. You dont care? Neither do I. BUT I know i've worked my damn ass off in therapy. I THINK ABOUT WAY MORE SHIT THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON EVE...
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30 Million Reasons

  I Brushed My Teeth Last night I brushed my teeth and that felt so good. Its true self care. Today it's Friday the day I've been trying to make it to, just so I can be with me without interruptions. Anyways lets get to the point. I've been talking about my ex with a new friend, and per usual as any regular person would do, they try to make the relation of how they have acted in the past, to how he currently acts. And that's something I would do. BUT not only with him but with my mom too. And that's why I'm really writing this. Because I think its a hard truth I need to swallow. I think that's why I cannot talk to my brother. I read a really good article about dysfunctional families. The whole family is sick. It's true. But I feel my brother is so enmeshed with my mother he will never see it. Just like I was enmeshed with him, and that causes confusion between who is who. That's why I wrote the list I did before so I could see the differences. It...
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For Whom It May Concern

Well,      Hello there, I used to have a blog before, and it was all about my fitness. I want to say it's sad to say, that I'm not so deep into fitness anymore, but I think it's ok. Because I think before I was a little too strict, maybe obsessed. Anyways I just wanted to start using this to write about random sh*t. That I'm pretty sure not many will see. Maybe NONE....Maybe I could write like my story here. Well at this point I'll just write about TODAY. Today I went to work, it was chill just like most days at work. I listened to some affirmations, I listened to some murder podcasts, Inhumane, I listened to some native american chants. First I listened to the affirmations because I wasn't feeling the podcasts, I needed something else. The affirmations helped. Then I needed something else. I wanted the native american chants, they are great, full of emotion, full of healing, at least that's how they make me feel. I cried. I'm not sure why. I mean I kind...
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