Two Weeks of Sleep

 Hey there you,

    Well weird title but good news and random chats. The good news is the letter that Lee (my therapist), wrote to the aoda assessment lady was good enough so I do not have to take any drug or alcohol classes which is great! Umm I guess thats really the only good news haha.

I've decided I'll only do instacart on the weekends, $200, a weekend should be good enough. I got like 3 bills past due right now but who really cares. I just used my last few bucks to buy some junk food. Give me a break life is hard, one I'm completely sober and trying to quit smoking cigarettes again. I have no money, I wont be able to buy my own food...Back to the food pantry life. I guess I'll probably just keep at that until, IDK something gets easier. Make do with what I can and buy some little things on the side or whatever. It's all just a little sad that I cannot take care of myself to the standard I'd like. That I'm pretty much alone and generally most if any people who reach out to me are for their own necessity. My mind set is pretty good considering all of this. I guess because instead of over achieving through it all I'm letting myself just be. Sleeping right when I get home from work. Eating junk food for now until I get it figured out and on track again. At least I have a good job that I like that pays decently, that's close to home, and that I can listen to things that interest me all day! I love that. And I got this blog where I can share my thoughts. My feelings? I feel pretty tired as of lately. But I feel different, that stuff with Fernando, changed me for sure. Deciding to see him for who he really is, deciding to see everyone for who they really are. Letting people take care of themselves. It's new to me. But it feels better. It feels better being alone and doing whatever I feel like, well not whatever hahaha. but whatever is free. Just exisitng. I dont really want to go out right now. I just wanna do me. Idk what I'll do right now maybe find something to watch and fall asleep again? HAHAHA. I dont see whats wrong with that tbh. I've had a life filled with a lot of going and doing and being for everything besides me. I'm tired. Let me eat these pizza rolls.

I was going through my podcasts today, got some good ones saved and excited to start listening to them from the beginning. I was listening to one by Brenee Brown today, interesting enough, shes pretty human HAHA. MAYBE IM REALLY TOO HARD ON MYSELF. TO be the perfect pleasant person? or maybe I did a good amount of work. Or maybe it's just differences in our personalities. Or maybe I haven't tried enough first time things as of lately. I was listening to another in spanish, which is great practice. One girl's family was very liberal she was allowed to ask so many questions. I wished my life was like that growing up. ok ok I just wanted to add those things, since I always want to be talking about the podcasts I hear. oh YEA let's share what she said, Brenee Brown, Expectations are just resentments waiting to happen. Something like that, it was good. I wonder how many things I ruined with my expectations?

I love you girl...