30 Million Reasons

 I Brushed My Teeth

Last night I brushed my teeth and that felt so good. Its true self care. Today it's Friday the day I've been trying to make it to, just so I can be with me without interruptions. Anyways lets get to the point.

I've been talking about my ex with a new friend, and per usual as any regular person would do, they try to make the relation of how they have acted in the past, to how he currently acts. And that's something I would do. BUT not only with him but with my mom too. And that's why I'm really writing this. Because I think its a hard truth I need to swallow. I think that's why I cannot talk to my brother. I read a really good article about dysfunctional families. The whole family is sick. It's true. But I feel my brother is so enmeshed with my mother he will never see it. Just like I was enmeshed with him, and that causes confusion between who is who. That's why I wrote the list I did before so I could see the differences.

It's essentially the same with my mom. I was a child and she was the adult. But she always acts like the victim.  

30 Million Reasons Why She Sucks 

1. She sucks because she got on top of me on my bed and hit me in my face because I wouldnt tell her who I was talking to on the phone. Lets think about this for a minute, would it be ok if your spouse did that to you? NO. It wouldn't be so why would anyone think that's ok for a mother to do to her daughter. ITS abuse, and the relationship can never be ok until the adult takes responsibility for that abuse.
2. She sucks because she burnt my letters that she saw I cried over so many times, she did it because I ran away. Would it be ok for your spouse to burn your things you had an emotional tie to? NO It wouldnt be. 
3. She sucks because when I needed help she said I was doing it for attention.
4. She sucks because when I was about to get help, she took me away from that help because she didn't want to face the mistakes she made either.
5. She sucks because when I tried to confront her about these things, she went online to slander my name, and make herself look good. Because people like her don't want people to know how she really is.
6. She sucks because she admitted that I told her about the sexual abuse that happened, and she did nothing to help me. In fact she regularly let me go back to the house of my abuser putting me in further danger.
7. She sucks because she did drugs in front of me regularly.
8. She sucks because she made me feel like it was my fault that I was born and she had to take care of me.
9. She sucks because when I cried when she wouldn't let me go see my friends, she was outside of my door mocking my crying.
10. She sucks because she always made my behavior mean that I was trying to hurt or upset her. When I was just trying to deal with so many things.
11. She sucks because she always plays the victim, and holds no responsibility for her own life.
12. She sucks because when I ran away she never asked why, or what was wrong, she only said I better not be pregnant.
13. She sucks because shes insensitive to others emotions.
14. She sucks because she never apologized.
15. She sucks because she was my main care giver the one that fucked me up the most.

30 Million Reasons Why You Rock

1. Did you ever hit anyone when they wouldnt do what you wanted them to do? Especially a child? NO. The only time I laid hands on people was 1. When my ex manipulator was lying and lying even when the proof was all there, I put my hands on his neck. It wasn't right and I can admit that. 2. When the next manipulator thought he could treat me however, and after he told me to punch him in the face, I did. I know this isn't right either. That's why those relationships could not continue because they brought out sides of me that I know are not ok ways to act in. Well my mother ever admit those weren't ok? I cannot even use their behaviors as an excuse as to why I did it. I should have left, but I was too entrenched. But those are the only times I've ever acted like that. Reactive abuse....Was I abusing my mother? NO.
2. Did I ever break something or burn something that was of emotional value to purposely hurt someone? NO. I threw away things ex boyfriends left at my house, I broke a hookah a guy left at my house. I didn't want them to come back for the things, I wanted it to be over. I wanted to release my anger. But I couldn't even throw away a drawing I knew someone put time into doing even though they hurt me. We are so complex even as I write these things my brain tries to draw the connections as to how her and I were the same. But people can do similar things, the real question is what was the intention. My mother wanted power and control. Thats what abuse is about. I wanted the truth, I wanted to be treated differently.
3. I rock because when I think someone needs help I never think they are doing it for attention, I try to listen and help. I sometimes think people are posting things for attention, but I think that's a remnant of her always telling me I was doing everything for attention, as if that was wrong. I was a child I needed attention, and because I didnt get that attnetion I did so many fucked up things, that werent align with who I am to get that atttnetion. 
4. I've faced the mistakes I've made. In fact I've listed them out here. I wonder will she ever do that.HMMM lets not hold our breath.
5. I rock because anyone who has actually confronted me about my behavior I actually self reflect on it, and apologize if I feel its necessary, I take responsibility. Sometimes I am wrong. 
6. I rock because I got myself help for the problems in my life, I found away. I educate myself continuously.
7. I rock because I would feel bad just for being high in front of any of my friends kids. Its not right. 
8. I rock because I know it's not my fault I was born. I didnt ask for this. AND I would have been fine not being alive.
9. I rock because only one time did I repeat this behavior, I felt really bad and remember it till this day even though it was 10+ years ago.
10. I rock because I can realize that I might be doing the same things with some of my friends. I mean I don't think they are purposely trying to hurt me or annoy me, but I mean their behavior isnt about me, they are just going thru so much shit. But I don't have to stay and put up with it or support it. We are all adults and we all have to figure it out. Just as I did.
11. I rock because a lot of the time I question if I am playing the victim. I am taking responsibility for my life currently.
12. I'm not really sure what I can say I rock about in refernece to this one, I guess realizing that if someone ran away from me, I'd probably wonder what I did wrong, at least.
13. I rock but also suck because I am over sensitive to peoples emotions. TBH at this point I want to get it wrong. I want someone to tell me I got it wrong. 
14. I rock but also suck because I say sorry, even when it wasnt my fault.
15. I rock because I'm my main care giver now and I will not fuck myself up anymore.

Id like to finish this list but I must get ready for work. I just read some articles that have helped me see things more clear. I'm always wondering will they actually change? can they actually change? An article I read says they can, but real change is only shown by, well they listed 13 things, which I think are really good good solid things to show someone has actually changed. So until my mom or any of my abusive ex's can do those things then they have not changed and I will not allow them in my life. Like it said it's a hard, deep process that takes work and a lot of abusive people do not change because it's easier for them to keep using the abuse tactics that they use. I need to remember that. 

Also I do not want to talk about these things with anyone who does not have extensive knowledge on abuse, because they only taint my mind with making excuses, and accepting bad behavior once again. Because they do not know or understand my situation. I know they are doing their best, but it can be very very harmful to me to try to fall into those belief patterns again. 

I love you baby have a good day at work.