For Whom It May Concern

Well, 

    Hello there,

I used to have a blog before, and it was all about my fitness. I want to say it's sad to say, that I'm not so deep into fitness anymore, but I think it's ok. Because I think before I was a little too strict, maybe obsessed. Anyways I just wanted to start using this to write about random sh*t. That I'm pretty sure not many will see. Maybe NONE....Maybe I could write like my story here. Well at this point I'll just write about TODAY.

Today I went to work, it was chill just like most days at work. I listened to some affirmations, I listened to some murder podcasts, Inhumane, I listened to some native american chants. First I listened to the affirmations because I wasn't feeling the podcasts, I needed something else. The affirmations helped. Then I needed something else. I wanted the native american chants, they are great, full of emotion, full of healing, at least that's how they make me feel. I cried. I'm not sure why. I mean I kinda am. I think I had some tears to release from this situation with my crazy ex stalker. I was just writing about him when I decided to write this blog post instead. But I think I also cried thinking about what happened to the native american people, and for some reason its a culture I'd really like to learn about. I love how they dance. But not to change the subject from the fact of my "X." 

Hes a person who preys upon my natural instincts. He guilt trips me, when I serve him the HARSH words he deserves, for treating me like his toy. He plays on the fact that I'd like to believe everyone is good, just hurting. He is in fact not hurting. He is hurting...HURTING ME. HURTING others. I will not let him hurt me anymore. But part of me thinks, Will I really? Yes little girl I will. You are stronger than you know. He only caught you in moments of weakness, he only harnessed you in with his words. You have been living without him all this time. You dont think of him, you dont search for him. You are fine without him. You are only sometimes lonely, sometimes craving for that high he gives. A high that is not sustainable. As you once said, maybe we can only be that way for one day, and one day only. I think its true. I think SO SADLY it is true. But beautiful girl, you deserve way more than he could ever give. Then he will ever give to anyone in his entire life, to even himself. You are too smart, too beautiful, too strong. It doesnt matter that youve been down and havent brushed your teeth or showered for like the most time ever. FOR I, YOU, WE understand you. AND your WHY. You are still worthy even when you are dirty. BUT people who cannot, who will not, take responsbility for their mess their wrecks that they leave every where they go, they infect, they are not worthy of you of your energy, or your love, of your body. Please remember this. Because I want 2024 to be ALL about you.

One night he makes me feel "loved." The next day he makes me feel like a perra abandonada. Thats how you know it isn't real. I know sometimes you want to believe, for multiple reasons. Because it feels so damn good, because you want to believe your parents cared too, that anyone in the damn world cares, and he knows that. And he uses that against you. That's not very nice. 

30 Million Reasons Why He Sucks

That was the title of my entry in my journal. So lets start from the beginning.

1. He sucks because he uses words to paint a pretty picture over the ugliest reality.
2. He sucks because his words do not match his actions.
3. He sucks because of the confusion that he creates.
4. He sucks because he is disrespectful.
5. He sucks because he hates the truth.
6. He sucks because he uses people for his own pleasure.
7. He sucks because he plays on your human ways.
8. He sucks because he's a stalker.
9. He sucks because he does not know that NO means no.
10. He sucks because he has no empathy.
11. He  sucks because he scoughs at you when you cry.
12. He sucks because he is a child.
13. He sucks because he is fake.
14. He sucks, and I feel bad. Because I'm human.
15. He sucks because he doesnt care.
16. He sucks because he hurt me, more than once, and never apologized.
17. He sucks because he tried to explain it all away so much that now my brain tries to do the same.

Brain oh BRAIN, why don't you want to see?  Why dont you want to believe the evidence that you see? Is it because your mom was the same way, and your brother tries so hard to convince otherwise? I think that is part of it, thats why I had to keep them out of my life. Thats why sometimes I just want to hide away. I dont think thats wrong. You'll find your peeps. TIME to sleep doe bb.

I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH 

30 Million Reasons Why You ROCK

1. You rock because you dont try to paint any pictures, you try to be honest and show who you really are.
2. You rock because your words do match your actions. I mean you dont really talk about much anyways. But when you do, you do what you say.
3.  You rock because of the clarity you create.
4. You rock because you are respectful.
5. You rock because you love the truth.
6. You rock because you do not use anyone, you try to stay curious and interested about anyone.
7. You rock because you understand and listen.
8. You rock because you arent a stalker.
9. You rock because you respect everyones NOS, and I dont want to's.
10. You rock because you have a balanced amount of empathy.
11. You rock because you help people when they cry, like that man at the union that one time, like Pam that one time at 4am. ECT.
12. You rock because you are an adult but a child at HEART.
13.  You rock because you are real.
14. You rock and you should feel good about everything you are.
15. You rock because you care SO much. Dont let them take that from you.
16. You rock because you hurt people but you still apologized even years later.
17. You rock for taking these steps to heal yourself even further. 

Now brush your teeth :)