Hey You

 Hey girl hey,

So where to start ayyy. Well yesterday I worked at Pizza Hut after my first job and it was good, I mean I made good money. BUT man, it was crazy being in that fast paced environment again. AND man did I feel it. I felt I was doing everything fast and so sloppy HAHA. BUT maybe thats ok, maybe this is just the perfectionist part of me wanting to do perfect jobs. I think I did it where it really mattered, like cleaning the bathroom. Because it looked gross. So hopefully they will put me on the schedule for Tuesdays and Thursdays, I guess we will see. But I think it will be good for me in more than one way, getting to see other people, making money, and yea. 

Feelings, hmmm. This week I've started to feel better, after all that Fernando shit. And I've decided to stop talking to Timur as well. I think it's hard for me to sometimes decipher like are they ok people and its just my trauma, or are they not ok people and also my trauma? But I did write a cool list the other day to decipher more of when someone actually cares for you. But its like already I can feel a difference between Timur, and Gerson. Like I don't feel as anxious with Gerson as I did with Timur. and I think thats partly because his actions match his words. Where as Timur he was doing all this extra shit, coming to my work and taking me to eat and stuff, and having sex with me but then just saying we are just friends. OR texting me good morning, but saying we are just friends. OK? so wtf, that was confusing. At least with Gerson, he just calls it how it is, like a booty call. And yea I can at least respect that. Plus I know like I dont even know him really so like....IDK. HA. IDK whats the difference really though besides those things. Maybe Timur represented more of like the relationship with one or both of my parents. And well idk. But anyways. I bought a pack of cigarettes last night cuz I wanted a cigarette after sex HAHA whooops. BUT IDK. I havent been feeling as stressed this week. I guess because I also got food. 

There was so many things I wanted to write about but now I accepted an instacart SO I have to get ready for that. I also had wanted to ponder upon how I met my therapist and how it was almost like it was so meant to be. It seems other people dont find therapists that are trained in trauma, and I feel that is SO important. Its like why or how did that happen? I feel in a sense I do have a good intuition or something. IDK I just keep thinking whatever I need I have to figure it out for myself and not by listening ONLY to people all over the internet saying I need this or that. I just need to figure it out for myself.

Anyways todays plan is to do instacart, clean my house, YOGA, andd probably cook some food. I want to see what meals I could make with all the shit the food pantry gave me so I can make good use of it. Ok I'll ttyl baby.