An Exercise

 Write down every partner you've had a significant relationship with, and then, for each, answer questions such as:

What attracted you to this person initially?

Did the attraction last?

Was your fantasy about this person, what you imagined or assumed to be true--validated in reality?

How long did the relationship last?

Did revelations during the coure of the relationship change your mind?

What was the deal breaker?

Do any patterns, similarities from relationship to other relationships, emerge?

Nick-

I think what initially attracted me to him was his perceived security, he seemed to know what to do, he knew how to make money, he was fun. He was older so I think I felt like he knew a lot more, he was smart. And then I think it was him going to jail, and me wanting to be there for him. The savior.

I'm not sure the attraction did last, because I cheated on him. And now years later I feel like we def arent compatible now that I know myself more.

I don't know really because it was so long ago, actually I lied I feel like with time it was not validated, as I mentioned now I see how we aren't really compatible. 

The relationship lasted like six months I believe.

No? But maybe. I know there were things that happened that I didnt really like.

I cheated.

I'm sure there were similarities but since I was young and not thinking in this way, well lets see if any emerge as I move on.

Ryan-

I think what attracted me to him was his attention, and again seeming to have some plan, and know how to make money. But at the same time I feel there was def things about him I did not like, but that I looked past? Like the first night we hung out we were laying on his bed and I felt he was trying to make a move already?

The attraction didnt last, because when I moved in with him I felt he wasn't a man of his word. Like he didn't do all the things at home that he said he did. I didnt like the type of person he was, he was like a scammy business type boy.

I guess it was invalidated as like I said when we moved in I saw the things he told me weren't true.

Six months

Yes a lot of revelations during the relationship changed my mind, I didnt really like him.

The deal breaker was I was staying in a relationship with someone I didn't respect, because he had a big braggy ego. 

Hmmm I mean Nick and Ryan both were like business man types, so yea I guess in that sense. And me probably not saying what I really felt or even knowing how to explain it. or decipher it.

Oscar-

I think what attracted me to Oscar was he seemed different, mysterious, bad boy, maybe I felt bad for him because he told me stories about how it was being an illegal immigrant.

I think the attraction did last.

Hmmm my fantasy with him, god this is a hard one, I think he really did represent more the relationship with my mom or even dad. I don't think it was validated. He did some good things for me but also cheated on me, and ignored me a lot. 

The relationship lasted like a year and a half.

No revelations during the course of the relationship didn't change my mind, I was obsessed with him. I had to convince myself just to let go. I think I was really trying to prove my worth to him.

The deal breaker was it just all felt like a game to me. I can't remember what was the last thing that happened that made me say no more.

I think the similarities hmmm, IDK again was a strong type that seemed like he had it all figured out. But again was neglecting me and my feelings.

WOW it's been so long since I've thought of these people that I'm almost forgetting who came next?

Next was Jesse but I feel that wasn't significant enough to write about so lets go to Ezequiel next-

I think he seemed different from who I usually went for, at least I thought? He was really sweet, and seemed to care.

I think the attraction didn't last because it wasn't based on who he was.

I think this time what I perceived and felt was actually validated, because he did show up for me repeatedly, this felt like the healthiest relationship I had tbh. I think it helped that we didn't speak each other's languages or something at first. But overall he showed up for me a lot more than anyone else did. I was a wreck always thinking he was ignoring me but he was just sleeping since he worked third shift, he let me be with him a lot. and he was pretty understanding.

Lasted a year I believe?

I think I just realized what was important to him in life wasn't important to me or vice versa. He was the family type and happy with just whatever, I felt I wanted more from life.

The deal breaker I guess was he moved away, and he wasnt that interested in learning.

I dont think any patterns emerged really with this relationship. It was different, because idk why, it was just so random. 

Nahun-

Hmmm what attracted me to him at first was his looks I guess, and some fantasy I was creating off of him, he ended up approaching me when I was looking at him all night. Probably hes the one type of fantasy. I think after that it was the flowers and shit he always got for me, since my other boyfriends before that never seemed to do that stuff for me. and TBH his DICK damnnnn. He fucked good tbh. And his attention we would talk on the phone a lot and message.

I think the attraction didnt last because he was doing too much fucked up shit and trying to act like he wasnt. 

Hmmm, I think what I assumed to be true and the fantasy was not validated in reality. I thought he'd be different. but he wasnt.

The relationship lasted three months about.

OH YEA revelations during the relationship did change my mind. Cheater, liar ect.

The deal breaker was he called this girl he was in a relationship with at the same time as me in front of me.

I think the few things I'm noticing and which at this point I already know is, moving too fast, not taking time to get to really know eachother, and not getting enough time to see peoples real character emerge. Getting together based on filling our voids. 

Oscar-

Again I think I felt like he had a lot of things figured out, his attention, him listening to me, wanting to hangout all the time.

I think the attraction did last, I was so obsessed with him for the longest time. But idk if it was really for him or just the stuff that came with the relationship. The feelings. He did feel like a friend. But I think we both had problems we didn't know how to deal with tbh. That made us more closed off and scared of the other. Judging the other. Instead of being honest from an authentic place. Because I try to think of what the issues were. But idk at the same time I think he has some weird views on the world.

MM I think my fantasy was he was going to save me. or something like that because he helped me with a lot of stuff. It wasnt validated.

The relationship lasted six months maybe?

I'm not sure I guess he broke up with me, and stuff that happened afterwards and when I saw him for who he really was. That's when I was finally able to let go. I guess cuz I healed and started getting healthier. And he didn't do any personal work.

The dealer breaker for me was his close minded beliefs. His toxic behaviors.

Again, rushing in, probably thinking of a dad, daughter relationship like wanting him to take care of me like that. 

Daniel-

I think I was first attracted to him because he was interesting and fun, and sweet, and sensitve and different.

The attraction didnt last.

My fantasy about them, I hoped we would get better together, that things would be different. Idk it someways it was validated but in some ways it wasnt.

I think it lasted six months.

YES. He did not know how to deal with his emotions in healthy ways, he was always being consumed by them. Rage, anger, sadness. It was hard to deal with and sometimes very scary.

The deal breaker was I feel like I tried to express for him to get help because his reactions weren't ok with me, and he didn't want to so I kind of just shut down. I didnt want to break up with him because I didnt want to hurt him.

Hmm, again rushing in not taking time to get to know the person, not asking the right questions, or asking the right questions, but too invested already to make a good choice. Like finding out he was depressed and I remember being scarred about how that would affect starting a relationship. I think he was right though in some ways he is the type of person I need to date, we could talk about so many things, and he would listen emotionally. I think idk.

Francisco-

Hmm, what attracted me to him was he was fun, again he knew how to make money, had security, could talk about a lot of different things with him. He seemed different.

The attraction did last.

My fantasy about them was not validated. I thought omg too many things that deff were not true. If I could just be this then he would be a good person to me.

The situationship lasted two years I'd say.

Yes, he did not know shit about emotions or how to treat people.

The deal breaker was he was always telling me or acting like my feelings were the problem.

I guess overall, most of the guys I was with were emotionally immature, I went into things too fast, didn't take the time to get to know them. I wanted to believe this time would be different. Probably blamed a lot of it on myself. Which I guess at some points I am at fault. But wanting the high of the relationship and the dream that it would work out and they would finally love me. (parent wounds) Not standing up for my wants and needs, and not following boundaries I should have followed. But I can tell I was deff learning, and picking somewhat better people? And now look. I'm doing a lot better than I was before. I could write about more people but I wont bother mentioning them. I know that I should not have sex with people too fast either. I'm learning to really stand on my own. And thats what I'm committing to this 2024. NO SEX. unless the person is normal healthy and can treat me like a person. And honestly I think you do want a relationship, so if they arent interested in you as a person then dont waste your time. Idk why or how some people can just do or want to do casual sex in these instances its probably about feeling powerful and having the upper hand or someshit that I dont want to get invovled with tbh. I feel more proud when I dont have sex with people who really dont find interest in me. 

AND I think I get overwhelmed a lot still. I feel I dont have enough time to do things like this. I'm rushing. and it sucks.

Learn to ask the hard questions out of the gate, the first or second time you meet someone, before opinions are solidly formed. Most of us seem to do much better when we have no real expectations of someone, because we hardly know who they are and are not yet trying to impress them.