I'm A Bitch

 I was in a mood but I finished my other post and it calmed me down a little bit but I still want to convey some of the things I was thinking.

I want to be a bitch. I'm sick of being the sad, nice, caring girl. I'm sick of caring what people will think, I'm sick of caring how I will be perceived. I'm sick of caring. The caring me will only be reserved for specific times. Caring SO much is tiring. What's the POINT? Is that how I want to be remembered? 

I know my opinion is not FINAL WORD, or judgement, but I'm still entitled to have my opinions on whats right for my own life. If someone wants to stand up to me and tell me something different about whatever bitch thing I say or said, I hope they do. I then will take some time to self reflect. I dont need to be the bigger or better person. Its my life and this is what I decide. You dont care? Neither do I. BUT I know i've worked my damn ass off in therapy. I THINK ABOUT WAY MORE SHIT THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON EVER HAS OR EVER WILL. I see it everyday in the world. I'm differnet even when I dont try.

Because I honestly feel thats how my brother and my mom are probably thinking about me that I'm a little girl, who doesnt care about anyone but herself. YOU CAN LOVE PEOPLE FROM A DISTANCE. I WISH THE BEST FOR YOU. BUT YEA I dont care. YOUR LIFE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Just as mine is. No one gave me the damn answers, so figure it out. AND OTHERWISE we literally have nothing in common so whats the damn point? IDC ABOUT the shit you find funny. I dont care about your damn xmas tree, or the ice cream you will eat. YOU DONT CARE ABOUT MY SHIT EITHER SO LETS STOP FAKING IT FOR THE DAMN LOOKS. who gives a shit if we are a broken family that hates eachother lets just be real about it.

Anyways I kinda just wanna take myself away from the world and mostly keep to myself. IDK WHY. I just want to.

I was at the laundrymat today like damn wtf so many people here, I FELT annoyed LMAO! THE WORLD IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. Even the noise from these keys typing right now is HURTING ME LMAOOOO. like shit, Ima just be lost in thought and podcasts audiobooks and movies. PONDER ON MYSELF. PONDER ON OTHERS. share very little with anyone. No one gets it anyways. But its ok. 

My current mission is, getting a second job. Working, paying my bills, and my debts. Trying at some point to start saving money. Staying away from ratchet boys. Getting some sort of solid self care routine, including with exercise. I dont want to go out. I like when people dont know about me or what I'm doing. Especially because I want to avoid seeing Fernando. I want to read my books, sew my clothes, and practice my spanish. and stay on top of my life. Thats all I want. I dont really want to talk much with any people. I can talk with Michelle at work. I can talk with Michelle from back home. But I feel thats honestly good enough. Instagram helps me in some ways feel connected at least there are like minded people on there on the healing journey. Otherwise I feel like most people just arent taking this shit seriously and thats their right thats ok. But its my right to decide who I want to be around. PERIOD.

Ok so im gonna put my clothes away now, do dishes and probably cook some shit up for my lunch. I'm also not going to drink anymore, one I dont have the money, two I cant waste the days with a hangover, and three IDK i felt better about myself when I wasnt drinking tbh. 

LOVE YOU BITCH. CUZ ONLY YOU GET ME. YOU DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOU TO ANYONE.